Dating breaking the touch barrier
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, and at that point, you wouldn’t even be “breaking” the barrier, since she would have let it down of her own volition in order to invite you in. but the fact that she isn’t touching you is not a very good indicator of whether or not she’s interested, because women are not a monolith.. for a brit i’m relatively touchy – which here means i really like to hug-goodbye people i am already on friendly terms with even if only quite casually. always stop touching her if she looks uncomfortable, pulls away, or voices her disapproval. i’m really, really selective about who i want touching me and how, and a strange man trying to hug me at the start of a date is my nightmare. if i read them as touch-averse, i won’t touch them.’m gonna jump on the “quit with the touching” bandwagon. even if he wasn’t, he’s still a dude who is trying to touch strange ladies without (as far as i can tell) their consent. because my preferences are unusual, and because it can do real harm to people to escalate touching and sex beyond what they are comfortable with, i have also had to learn to be very careful in making sure that i am not imposing this on someone whose preferences would be otherwise. if i think a touch-averse friend might want like a hug (like, my best friend who isn’t a hugger is upset and crying) i ask them and if they say no, i *don’t hug them and i don’t get upset about it or take it personally.” not going to lie: planning ahead like that, and to very deliberately invade space–you call it ‘breaking the touch barrier,’ meaning you know it is a line they may be drawing it is _attacking_ it–is not only manipulative, it is truly frightening just read about. your touches should have a little weight without being overwhelming. i’m sure that more women are interested in nsa sex than the hugging and shoulder touches. as various commenters have illustrated, forced touching is a surefire way to make a lot of people go “nope”. don’t hug or touch without permission, which could come from from context and body language, or, better, from an actual express question and answer., lw, i think you might have the touch thing a little bit backwards. i don’t like being touched by people i’ve just met, especially if i’m concerned that there may be expectations. eye contact and what not, sure, but people i barely know touching me in any way, even “friendly” touches like my arm or my back, is pushy and not cool. secret to instantly break the no touch barrier w girls and get physical effortlessly. expand on it a little, though: i think part of the problem is that you’re trying to create a sense of intimacy via touch, whereas for most people i think it goes the other way around–we are comfortable touching people because there’s a pre-existing sense of intimacy., i know it’s almost ridiculous to jump in with the back off with the touching thing at this point, but i wanted to add one thing: treat touch like a game of tennis (or ping pong, badminton or volleyball). i react with anger when medical people touch me on the arm to fake empathy, when a salesman at the door wants to shake my hand, when a female sales person makes a big deal of something i am wearing and touches it or pretends to brush off a crumb. cuddle parties are great for learning how and when to touch and for learning how to give and take noes without awkwardness or offense. most women are socialized to offer a soft no, and the easiest soft no is not to touch back. many good things have already been said about touching, boundaries, respect, and personhood or i’d say the same things, too.“pro-tip: if you’re having fun, you know what might work better than hugs and shoulder touches to create intimacy? when i’m meeting a new guy and he immediately wants a gesture of intimacy from me, i start shutting down from him and hoping that whatever it is is short and that he doesn’t try to push me into even more touching. this is not going to make me enjoy the hugger-toucher’s company. it sounds like you are approaching each date as if the woman is a rubik’s cube, and if you touch her in the right way you will “solve” her. it’s better not to make an already uncomfortable (for many people) situation worse by adding “escalating touches and intimacies” into it. who is following a playbook in his or her head (“now is the optimum moment so i touch hir elbow twice while smiling”) is also not actually paying attention to their date, while also objectifying them as “attractive enough to try to score with. every now and then i have to have a quiet word with him about his touching. so he tried to “break the touch barrier” several times and i was each time sitting a little further from him (we were sitting on the same couch in a fancy bar) and he kept approaching and making body contact., there is not point to touching people when you don’t “feel it” (and by “you” i ideally mean “both of you”). to touch a girl in 5 ways to make her want you. i’ll add what i think about those lower-back-faux-helpful-and-protective touches-while-entering-room:“this man is grooming me.’m not entirely sure why i’m relating this story, except here are some messages to take from this: don’t touch people when they don’t want you to.’d appreciate it if the first time a guy who was interested in you got to see you in person, he put his hands on you during the introduction and kept touching you? personally dislike the shoulder touch because a lot of men i know have (probably unconsciously) used it on me as a gesture of dominance or possessiveness. the first time he touched me was after we had finished dinner, after i had already invited him to my room, already invited him to sit on my bed and drink some beer with me, already played him a song about how nice one night stands are, and already put my hand on his leg. does physical contact come naturally for you on these dates or are your eyes glazed over while she’s talking because you’re frantically trying to work out your next touch-barrier-breaking move? touching people you’re on dates with in a calculated way.
build romantic chemistry and trust with a girl you’ve just met, it’s essential to break the touch barrier.’m reading that there’s an expectation here, lw, that the date is to check out someone and see if there is a possibility of mutual pantsfeels and sexytimes; you are meeting these girls in part so you can both see if they would be into you touching them. they, too, have read the sites that say that one should escalate touch _like this_ and never let silence go on for longer than _that_, and what the five most important questions to ask are. except, it massively came across as “let’s meet up so i have an excuse to touch you” because of all the lingering hugging. if you want people to stop touching you, get a friend and role-play. overly-intimate touch like a hug, is more likely to put your dates off than anything else. way you touch a woman reflects your intentions, personality, and feelings towards her. if you touch first in my space, i kick you out and never see you again. (for the record, i’m fine with jedi hugs – there’s no touching involved 😉 ).!To expand on it a little, though: i think part of the problem is that you’re trying to create a sense of intimacy via touch, whereas for most people i think it goes the other way around–we are comfortable touching people because there’s a pre-existing sense of intimacy. but what they need in return is for you to see them, hear them, notice and like them as people, and that includes noticing if they want to be touched or not, and if they feel safe or not. a second would get you my death glare accompanied by a few terse words on how i feel about uninvited touching followed by my prompt departure from your vicinity.” then throw our arms open and make hugging motions that just don’t quite touch each other., considering a lot of pua is used for “breaking the b*tch shield” and other lovely hostile gems because women are evil and withholding sex you rightly are owed (for reasons), so is that really how you see the people you’re dating? we spent the subway trip down touching hands and blushing and basically being awkward and shy but also happy and sitting together. the lw: if you want to touch someone you’re dating, i’m going to suggest you ask in a neutral way. lw, i meant to make this point and forgot: there was no significant touching until the third date. intimacy is not something you create, and touching will not make anyone feel intimate with you as long as you’re still getting to know each other. goldreply[–]aminobutyric_acidbatman 605 points6 points7 points 5 months ago (1 child)serious answer - i deliberately go with non-threatening, casual touch to test the waters. i first understood it as the kind of touching i sometimes do with friends where i’ll pat or rub their shoulder as part of a “there, there” joke or as comfort, things like that. i don’t even touch close friends of 20+ years unless they initiate a hug or something. he didn’t hug or touch me at the start, but over the next hour or so, we gradually got more touchy (hugs and hand-holding and sitting close together). if it had happened once and he’d thereafter respected my boundaries, he would not be stuck wondering why i let other friends touch me and not him. the intimacy level has increased by itself through conversation and what not, touching won’t seem like a big deal and that will be the time to touch her hand. might-be-humourous aside to this: i initially read the headline as “dating strategies that don’t involve breaking the sound barrier” and was completely astounded about what could possible have happened to the lw. if who you are is a bad fit the particular woman you’re with, then no amount of smoothness and touch-barrier-breaking and nyt-review-of-books quoting will produce a good relationship. the only decent way of “breaking” it is to allow things to progress naturally, not dwelling on it or seeing it as a goal. i’m reminded a bit of christopher’s “hand-fanning” in the curious incident of the dog in the night-time, where in lieu of a hug he and his parents spread their hands out and touch each other’s fingers. we’re talking about disliking touch from a stranger, which is usually a pretty ‘standard’ behavioural setting in most highly social species. and props for asking captain awkward for advice, that makes me think that on some level you know that awful “break the touch barrier” advice you got elsewhere was in fact awful. he’s also admittedly been touching them without their permission in a way that most of the women on this thread have mentioned would make them uncomfortable. am i actually entitled to decide who touches me, or is that just radical idealist feminist ideology inapplicable to the real world? maybe she doesn’t want to touch or hug after the third date, and you need someone who’s super touchy-feely.. my first reaction would not be “oh good, a little warm up, barrier breaking contact! hate it when strangers touch me and am feeling deeply grateful right now that i’m married and (hopefully) will never have to date again. i doubly salute you for asking captain awkward about these things instead of anyone who uses the phrase “breaking the touch barrier”. there are many different ways to break the touch barrier, so in case you've ever found yourself wondering how to initiate skin contact, we've put together a list of some of the best approaches to help you do just that. if i read someone as not into me, obviously i won’t touch them.. the captain touched on this, but it’s important: use the date as a chance to get to know her and to figure out if you like her. in fact, that’s where i heard the phrase “touch barrier” before. being an introverted geek, where dating doesn’t come naturally to me, i’ve read about “breaking the touch barrier” and trying to create a (even slight) sense of intimacy on the first date. if you’re at the point where you would feel comfortable touching her, check that she is too.
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How To Touch Her - this gives her a chance to say no if she definitely doesn’t want to, but it’s socially acceptable non-threatening touching if it does appeal, a chance for her to talk, dance, get to know you, and feel safe. think one of the main points for the lw here is that they are following this weird script and trying to escalate touch without the date reciprocating the touch. to get a girl to touch you - 3 easy ways to make women get physical with you. i’m not a touchy person in general and don’t initiate touching with basically anyone but i don’t particularly mind it, either. this article, you’ll learn how to touch early, touch more, and touch the right way. is gonna want you when they want you and it won’t be because of any strategy you had about “breaking the touch barrier. read it as a point in the relationship transitioning from “two people who don’t touch each other” to “two people who sometimes touch each other”.’m a very nerdy woman and honestly, my ideal date with a nerdy man would involve both of us displaying the characteristic nerd awkward body language, lack of touch, and infrequent eye contact until we got to know each other, and one of us said, “do you mind if we hold hands? a friend explained that i am not a very touchy-feely person., out of curiosity, i googled around about “breaking the touch barrier”. after we had sex the first time, though, i was all touchy feely from then on until now. i were out on a first date with someone and they hugged me right away and then made a point of touching my arms and shoulders, unless we had a really good connection i probably wouldn’t see them again. whole time, tons of communication, asking and not telling, i was initiating touch as often as he was (i slipped my hand into his and he gave it a big squeeze and laced his fingers with mine and blushed furiously which is, to me, big positive, otherwise i would’ve taken my hand back and tucked it in a pocket). i get the feeling that there is social pressure on cis het guys to be okay with being touched by women at all times and in all ways and now that i’m thinking of it in these terms it is really creeping me out.” where we move towards each other like we’re hugging but just lightly tap each other on both shoulders, touching nowhere else., there’s no foolproof way to figure out how to initiate touch (on either side), because people are all different and carry their own histories and personalities., all the “touch barrier” stuff is a load of crap. i’m not sure what dudes can do right off the bat to start to indicate that they are safe for women to be around, but it damn sure isn’t hugging us and getting touchy-feely right away. if someone is already attracted to you, they may welcome being touched, but they’ll still be attracted to you if you don’t rush that part. the moment you swallow any assumption about trying to break a barrier, you’re turning dating into an adversarial situation where *she* is putting up hurdles and *you* are trying to overcome them.’m not sure i’m expressing this very well but there are kinds of reassurance like this that women who are only attracted to men don’t really need, which means short term physical touch isn’t going to be especially reassuring for most of them and might as well wait since there’s still all that gender dynamic stuff to parse. i agree with what everyone else said above about things like not doing the shoulder touches, and things like that, but i’m adding this in here because i want to make sure you know that if your date isn’t touching you, that doesn’t mean she’s not into you. i would be angry at and frightened by the shoulder touching., other people have already said it so i’ll not continue on in the “creepy touching on first date: don’t” chorus, but most women are very well aware that this is how men show possessivessness. if i’m into a guy, i’ll touch him first, usually laying my hand on his forearm to point something out to him, or touching his hand to make a point. you’re not sure about it and touch somebody like they’re a possibly hot stove, it’s gonna come off weird. same goes for them trying to touch me while i’m asking them questions about places where our interests align. by then the touch barrier was totally broken, and we made out at the end of the date while listening to nirvana. and just in case you’re reading these comments and thinking “yeah but these women all hate being touched, i’m trying to find someone who likes it,” let me tell you that i am very, very physically affectionate with my boyfriend.’s interesting that you say you’ve been socialized not to initiate touch on a date, because how i was used to doing dating was that i, as a woman dating men (usually), was the one who initiated physical touch, because i am the one whose threshold for physical touch is presumed to be higher, and in general i feel that the person with the higher presumed touch threshold should initiate and also dictate the pace. i don’t like being touched by people i know well, much less someone i’ve just met. is really well-said, and it stands out to me because i am the rare person for whom it frequently does go in the touch –> intimacy direction. for me it’s acted as a catalyst and i dont find weird because brushing hands once is a respectful way of touching, leaving you open to reciprocating or not. and i get the feeling that there is social pressure on cis het guys to be okay with being touched by women at all times and in all ways and now that i’m thinking of it in these terms it is really creeping me out. once you’ve made a ‘touch,’ the ball’s in her court. who are feeling warmth, sincerity, and intimacy often are comfortable with hugging and touching. no use skirting around these things, if i'm gonna break the touch barrier i'm gonna go all in. contact should feel natural and flow during conversation; lingering touches draw unnecessary attention. the focus of your dates should not be getting them to let you touch them — the focus should be getting to know more about this person and enjoying your time with them to see if you might be interesting in spending even more time with them. do activities on dates that you enjoy, act how it feels natural to act, touch when you want to touch (and you get permission), and date people you want to date. other people here sometimes find this a bit ott; on the other hand in some other cultures that would probably make me relatively touch-averse! i was seriously trying to think about how often he taps or touches me on the shoulder ever, and drew a blank.
What Are You Waiting For? Touch Her Already!
so yeah, had we been good friends or especially close before that, i wouldn’t have batted an eye at the hugging but as it was, no way, the touching just didn’t match our level of intimacy at all.’ll add that the shoulder touching would be super weird, though. i agree that women are presumed to have the higher touch threshold. maybe dial back on the touching before they’ve had a chance to decide if it’s cool.“you’re not giving the message that “i think that you, [insert name here], are awesome, and i hope that this date works out well for us” you’re giving the message of “you’re a woman and i’m hoping to spend more time touching a woman. i am also very uncomfortable being touched, even with family. would say that you are right inasmuch as there are definitely cultural differences in the average/typical how-close-is-too-close personal distance, and in the average/typical levels of social touch (e. even if fates conspire to have your date actually not get that message, if they like you they’ll probably be in touch with you anyway., it’s not a great startle response and i don’t condone biting strangers, but … people don’t tend to try to touch you again. – the hugs i wouldn’t really mind, probably, but the shoulder touches would make me feel super uncomfortable. and i have been *much* more comfortable with physical touch on most reasonably good first date with women than i have on any first date with a man. laughing uncontrollably while trying to say “no, stop, stop touching me” does not help make it convincing. from there took her to get lunch at a burger place, held a door open for her and maybe touched the small of her back in line. i had a coworker who insisted on touching my arm when he was talking to me and it made me quite angry at him. but it very much is elsewhere, especially in america, and especially when a man touches a woman. trying to “force” someone’s feelings (i know pua stuff too y’know, it’s gross), calculating how and when next to touch them regardless of their responses to previous touches, focusing on anything other than “am i having a good time? he will also tell me off for stepping backwards away from touchy hands, or politely declining a hug. she might have had reasons other than a lack of interest for not touching you, is what i’m saying. desperation makes me wonder if you want to be with me just because i’m the human who happens to be sitting across the table from you, and no amount of touching will fix that. life, we touch the people we’re closest to – our friends, family, and romantic partners. hugging on dates is still a very individual thing and asking before initiating is good, but maybe the difference for us is that women on dates are trying to make each other feel like their attraction is welcome, that they’re not seen as dangerous, and that physical touch with this person isn’t going to be unsafe to engage in. puas do deliberately use this “dominance touch” to come across as strong and to intimidate their … i nearly said “prey,” but that’s about right. if you tend to feel more comfortable with someone having made brief physical contact, there is a neutral touch you can use for that. it comes off very creepy exactly because of that “advice” you’re following about escalating touch and hacking social boundaries to force unwanted intimacy. goldreply[–]dear_no_one 3 points4 points5 points 5 months ago (0 children)as a girl who is super sensitive to other people touching me, thank you for testing the waters first!“i’ve read about “breaking the touch barrier” and trying to create a (even slight) sense of intimacy on the first date. escalating touch is lovely when *you already like the person. she is constantly touching, rubbing and pawing me, and has yet to notice that my soft no to her is normally accompanied with tense posture and shoulders up above my ears. think part of the problem is that you’re trying to create a sense of intimacy via touch, whereas for most people i think it goes the other way around–we are comfortable touching people because there’s a pre-existing sense of intimacy. touch barrier stuff you read is making people feel uncomfortable, which means they do not want second dates. doesn’t really change the advice much, because doing a lot of uninvited, unreciprocated touching of a stranger you just met isn’t a very good way to do that, and is likely to have unintended side-effects (make the person uncomfortable instead of at ease like you presumably are going for). finally, someone who touched me the way you describe, without asking, would (did! i doubly salute you for asking captain awkward about these things instead of anyone who uses the phrase “breaking the touch barrier”. now, i like hugs so i didn’t react as much as many other people for whom that touch would be overwhelming, but my hackles were definitely up. if she’s not initiating touches, it doesn’t mean she doesn’t like you, it just means she’s not comfortable with that yet, and your best bet is to give her space and just concentrate on getting to know her and having fun. i would definitely want to edge away from somebody who kept randomly touching my shoulder. once in a while i’ll get greeted with a kiss on the cheek which is a touch out of my comfort zone because to me that feels like expressing a romantic intention too early, while a brief hello hug doesn’t. especially if it’s something as quick as an unwelcome touch. people for whom nonverbal communication is difficult and awkward, for whom touch with a stranger is overstimulating and upsetting. because i was “programmed” at an early age that when having other people touch me despite my discomfort, the polite and proper thing was to keep your mouth shut and bear it. seriously, stop reading whatever it is that is teaching you about pua nonsense like “breaking touch barriers. lack of this indication on her part does not necessarily indicate failure on yours — there may be lots of things that you don’t know about her past or her personality that make her uncomfortable with being hugged or touched by someone she doesn’t know well enough yet to feel safe with.
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Breaking the touch barrier. google something like “touch establishes dominance” to see articles about this. on topic, i would like to highlight and emphasize a notion that has been brought up a few times in these comments: if you initiate touch wait for reciprocation to do it again. nerdlove might be exactly where the lw got the idea of touching women to build intimacy and even the phrase of “breaking the touch barrier” from:I don’t think dr. i’m very friendly if i feel safe around someone, and touching me intimately (a hug is intimate in my book) is not going to make me feel safe. wait, i’m allowed to not want people to touch me. my first date with one of my current partners, i immediately warmed to him because he asked if i was okay with a hug and explained he was a very touchy-feely person. it went on for a while – her touching me, me laughing and protesting feebly, the other patrons laughing at me.” and the next time we hung out we managed some physical touching and it was the best. date: hugged her hello, took her to play mini golf, flirted and touched her occasionally while golfing. to build romantic chemistry and trust with a girl you’ve just met, it’s essential to break the touch barrier. will still take you time, you will still need to date many people before you find the right one for you, but that is how you ‘break down barriers’! being 'creepy': #5 ways you can touch a girl to spike 'attraction' & build 'deep'' connection. — do hear what people have said, like about your touching routine. could be mistaken but i’m pretty sure he’s also given the advice to touch women to create intimacy? i will say though that i personally have been so socialized not to initiate physical touch on a date (because “women don’t do that”) that even though i totally believe in my head that it’s fine for either of us to touch first, in practice i have never ever ever been able to make myself touch first. as you both continue to get to know each other, your touches should become more personal and intimate. moving forward, i have an idea: what if you texted one of these four women, and said something like, “i’m really sorry i hugged you as soon as we met, and kept touching your shoulder.“you’re trying to create a sense of intimacy via touch, whereas for most people i think it goes the other way around–we are comfortable touching people because there’s a pre-existing sense of intimacy” —- i think this is so right. i am a very touchyfeely person but my friends aren’t, and my friendgroup tends to use, “are we hugfriends? hugged by a stranger and constant touching would have me never seeing the person again–maybe after a date at the end if you enjoyed the person, at my option–but someone all over you as part of their “getting to know you” strategy is horrible. he then repeatedly seeks out opportunities for seemingly-innocuous casual touches that i can’t really object to without seeming to be unreasonable or overreacting? if they touch me, i figure they’re probably into me but have a higher threshold than me, so i reciprocate if i’m into it, and let them escalate if they want to. i’m going to explicitly call out the “breaking the touch barrier” thing, which puas call “escalating kino”. if a guy is mansplaining at me but catches himself and confesses, i’m okay with it, because he’s working on breaking the habit. you can both mutually be interested in initiating physical touch, but both feel too shy to do it. don’t read this advice and conclude that since the “touch barrier” advice is wrong, you just need a different manual / guide /strategy. don’t know if you’ll read all the comments, lw, but since the “ugh no touching” ground has already been covered (and yes, i’m a touchy feely hugger but nope to what you’ve been taught to do), i want to highlight the captain’s advice on getting her opinion and acting on it (” it’s actually an attractive novelty when a geeky dude says “i don’t know, recommend me something! you need a rule (and i usually do as a geeky introvert), it’s this: don’t touch during the first date. it can be really creepy and intimidating to be touched by strangers who are much larger! adding i also would hate a hug upon first meeting i am not a touch person with people i do not know well and like. you can’t really go wrong with using your words–if the person you’re on a date with is visibly upset that you would use your words about something like whether or not you should touch each other, you know that you probably don’t want to go on more dates with them. all fairness, he seems to think that “breaking the touch barrier” is what happens on a successful date because some kind of manual told him it was, and therefore he needs to make it happen in order for the date to work out. for the actual initiation of touch, there are two ways i usually do this. your strategy of frequent, escalating touching from the start is very likely making some of the women you meet shut down until they can get away from you. i also had a very visceral reaction to the idea of “breaking the touch barrier”. in my youth my circle went with: i touch first in my space, you touch first in yours.“i’ve read about “breaking the touch barrier” and trying to create a (even slight) sense of intimacy on the first date. i’m not particularly averse to touching, it just doesn’t occur to me to do it as a social gesture, much like i wouldn’t randomly reach out and give someone a shove or stick my finger up their nose. however, the vast majority of guys who try to use it are throwing around terms like “alpha” and are interrupting me when i talk to make a vaguely insulting compliment or are touching my knee while i am clearly not touching them and in fact am glaring at them, and they are just not reading the signs at all., romcoms and media have perpetuated the idea of dragging on with zero touch and then suddenly going for a kiss . pro-tip: if you’re having fun, you know what might work better than hugs and shoulder touches to create intimacy?. i’m not a touchy-feely person by nature, and i only hug people that i’m emotionally attached to enough that i *want* to hug them.
How To: Initiate Skin Contact - AskMen people have dedicated years to breaking down the science of why humans like other humans (and why we feel such a desperate need to be liked, and why it’s so devastating when we aren’t. one thing i don’t think i’ve seen, after skimming a ton of responses, and this would follow after “no forced touching on first dates” and “don’t listen to pua’s, listen to your date, listen to her body language, listen to your intuition,” is this: true intimacy – wanting to be near someone, wanting to touch – is something that is formed over time., when touching on the shoulder it should be light-hearted, brief, and when conversation is flowing positively. your first job, then, is to make sure that you’re not stripping away your date’s option to withdraw– from your company, from your conversation topic, from your eye contact, or from your physical proximity / touch. in general i wanted a second date with maybe 20-25% of my first dates, and about half the time i wanted a second date, they did also (the overlap is surprisingly small–a lot of the guys who wanted a second date with me i wouldn’t have touched with someone else’s bargepole). all seriousness, i just want to echo what a lot of people are saying, that the “break the touch barrier” nonsense is very clearly coming from a pua or pua-adjacent mindspace and is terrible advice., yeah, don’t play little touchy-feely games and all that. if you’re going for hook-ups, then there are places that you can go (including regular dating websites, which i know at least in some cases have ways for you to make it clear — including in your profile — that you are interested in casual sex) to get that sort of interaction, and in that case, if both of you are going into things knowing that the point of the date is to get a little action on that first night and maybe not even see each other again, some of that advice about breaking the touch barrier and things may actually be helpful. and if someone isn’t reciprocating with touching constant prodding is rather insulting and liable to make someone very wary and uncomfortable.“ugh, oh my god, pretending to take hair of my shirt and touched my boob. when most kids go away to kindergarten, they don’t just learn about reading and math–they learn about when somebody’s body language says “i like you” or “go away”, they learn about how friends roughhouse or use touch to comfort each other, they learn how to tell when someone says one thing and means another. letting that sexual tension build, knowing you’re both thinking about it but not acting on it… this idea that you can make someone be attracted to you by touching them is so backwards. but if you’re not, or not sure, escalating touch is quite frankly a little terrifying. also, touching someone, in and of itself, doesn’t *create* intimacy. would there be a need to touch you when he wasn’t interested anyway?’d also suggest cooling off on the touching unless it’s situationally appropriate (i.. i’m not really sure i’m cool with framing disliking touch as a deficit rather than simply another way of being, and normalizing the touchier types. tangentially yeah, i am way more willing to be touchy-feely with female friends or relatives, or be complimented by women, because generally, women see me as a person, even if they think i’m a sexy person.” don’t read too much into the nontouchy, nonforward behavior of a woman who is on an awkward first date., he was fine, if a little overly invested in geek social fallacies and overly touchy and not to my taste, but i didn’t expect to wish i’d just lied to the guy and said i’d gone home., this won’t stop someone mid-touch but it will discourage people from touching you to begin with. i think maybe we got around to touching after the third date? so if you are doing that, you’re setting yourself up to her as someone who feels he gets to touch her breasts the second he introduces himself to her. and have my personal space barrier be bigger than “normal”. thing is, touching on a date can be super hot, if you’re both clearly into it and it happens as a natural progression of you getting to know each other.) but that’s exactly why it’s a bad reason to make it a rule to establish some sort of touch early on with every single date. i could be super interested in someone and still not establish any physical contact, because i’m just not a touchy-feely person outside an actual relationship. fill in the blank with grabbing your arm, touching your leg, and so on. when in doubt, err on the side of not touching. touch (and more generally personal space) are almost never indiscriminate. don’t try to use artificialities like the “touch barrier. also date people who don’t have sex as one of their major hobbies, and aren’t sending a clear signal in advance that lots of touching is something they are super-comfortable with, and i hold back on touching them even though i feel more adrift dating that way. and that was because to me, we weren’t on a level of intimacy that allowed such close touching for something as simple and fast as a greeting. the orc peon in particular would eventually say “stop touching me! your first job, then, is to make sure that you’re not stripping away your date’s option to withdraw– from your company, from your conversation topic, from your eye contact, or from your physical proximity / touch. another person here who is going to tense up and be the opposite of relaxed if a total stranger i am meeting for the very first time tries to touch me in any way other than a handshake within 60 seconds of meeting me. avoid staring at your hand on her shoulder or trying an obvious “insert touch here” after a cheesy line. leave touching until you know each other well enough for it to feel right, without any analysis. those are the kind of guys many women think of when men start “breaking the touch barrier” without the woman’s permission. to be fair, he doesn’t suggest hugging or touching shoulders but he did a whole column “breaking the touch barrier. so as an adult, touch and nonverbal communication don’t come easily to me; unless i know and like someone and their presence makes my brain give out lots of soothing and bonding chemicals, being touched by them is overwhelming and dysregulating.* because being touched by someone you’re into is amazing!
Girl Code 1: Breaking The Touch Barrier! -thatssociciyo - YouTube i did participate and wasn’t uncomfortable with it – as i said, i don’t mind touching, i just don’t usually initiate it – but it still felt really weird and out of place. if someone touched my shoulder – or did any physical movement to try to “reflect” or “put me in rapport” or any other artificial “i’ve read about body language” move, it would just feel freaky / creepy. if she touches you on the wrist or shoulder, it’s probably safe to reciprocate.: “desperation makes me wonder if you want to be with me just because i’m the human who happens to be sitting across the table from you, and no amount of touching will fix that. different levels of comfort with touchy-feelyness is not an issue, if you don’t assume and are respectful of others comfort levels. really sprung out to me (besides the focus on touch, which commenters above have discussed extensively) is the awkward silences. some of my girlfriends have been the first to initiate touch, but with guys, i’ve always been the one to say “would you like a hug? you say breaking the touch barrier all i hear is invading personal space. thinks women’s apparent lack of desire to be touched by him is a barrier to be broken. others have pointed out, touching is usually a *result* of intimacy, when people have got to know each other a little more and sussed out each other’s boundaries a little better and touch because they enjoy it and they feel close to each other. desperation makes me wonder if you want to be with me just because i’m the human who happens to be sitting across the table from you, and no amount of touching will fix that. op, if you are someone who, like me, relates to people best early on through touch, which is a completely valid way to be, and you want to be able to pursue this in the way that feels most natural to you, then you need to actively look for others who are similar to you. & flirting on dates can be fun and it’s true that it’s part of figuring out if you have chemistry with someone, but it’s much better when you take someone’s hand or hug them because you’ve gotten to know them a little bit and it feels good to touch/flirt with that person, specifically, vs. hold her hand or touch the small of her back and guide her with you. that does not translate to: i’ll hug and touch them until they feel warmth, sincerity and intimacy. if i’ve touched my date and he doesn’t reciprocate in some small way, or make his pleasure at the touch known, i’ll back the hell off. you can’t trick people into feeling like you’re closer than you are by throwing in strategic little touches; that’s putting the cart before the horse and is more likely to make people feel *more* uncomfortable, particularly when they recognise the touching as “strategic”. then put the arm around her but not touching her and she inched her way in. i am going to tense up in anticipation of yet more overly intimate attempts to touch me. if you are using casual touch to escalate intimacy or chemistry that you have already built you will have better luck (though be aware of the fact that different women will have different thresholds for how good the intimacy and/or chemistry needs to be for this, so look for reciprocation of some kind. other commentors have said, lots of people just aren’t very touchy feely on the first few dates. i’ll be over here all “hardline and demanding” with my notions like “i know you’re interested but this is a fucking first meeting, you get to touch me after i decide it’s okay”. i suggest you limit the touching to a hello and goodbye handshake and focus on getting to know the person instead. did wonder if ‘breaking the touch barrier’ might have been meant in a less pushy way, more like breaking through social conventions or your own shyness that can make it feel like touching is just not something you can do even if you _do_ both want to. one is a lesbian then she gets taught that she needs to make herself sexually available to men and that her boundaries to men are something to be broken (‘breaking the touch barrier’). being touched by a strange man on a first date rings all sorts of alarm bells., if two people who are getting on really well on a date will touch each other, then that must mean that if there is touching on a date (whether it’s organic or not doesn’t matter, because all that exists is a binary touch and not touch) then the date is going well., if you are trying to create intimacy with touch alone, i think you are probably turning off more women than not. you might just be putting your hand/fingers on the shoulder of someone whose startle response on their less-well-sighted-side includes a short lunge and snap at whatever’s touching them. i’m personally not a very touchy-feely person, and i won’t initiate physical contact with people i don’t know extremely well. question that occurs to me reading your letter is this: do you even want to be all huggy and touchy right away, or are you just doing that because you think you’re supposed to? a first date should be very low-expectation, not an occasion where you try to tick all the boxes of “breaking the touch barrier” etc. can’t think of a single guy i’ve dated who initiated the first touch. there’s a lot of messaging out there breaking society up into the women and the men as two competing monoliths with vast differences between them and little variation within. to touch a girl during daytime interactions | tips to getting physical. and intimacy is reflected by physical touch, among other things. from all the great advice about touching/no touching on dates, i want to highlight the importance of the first half of the captain’s advice, that is: plan an activity for your dates! cor one thing, even if a woman does accept you touching her once, she catn still change her mind – touching isn’t planting a flag – so it doesn’t mean all that much. i don’t mind hugging at the beginning of a date, but if a guy then taps my shoulder or otherwise touches me, and then does it again when i don’t respond in kind? people react very differently to touch when it is premeditated than when it is spontaneous (although the latter can also go wrong, believe me). something about the touch at my spine sends little electric shocks all the way up my back, into my neck, and sends chills across the back of my head., one of the ways that has helped me, as a nerdy, touch-averse dater, is to be very up-front and honest about my shyness and need for direct communication around stuff.
How did you break the touch barrier? : AskMen in here as yet another person who’s very selective about who i’m willing to be touchy-touchy with: the whole ”strategic touching” thing is generally best avoided, and is actually off-putting for a lot of people. an unwanted hug or arm-touch where no natural intimacy has developed is like any one of the episodes where advanced aliens exercised control over the enterprise in the interests of learning more about them. i despise being touched when the sole purpose is to manipulate me. my experience of awkward dating, i usually expect the guy to go for a touch at some point – usually a hand touch – because that is a way of testing out of there’s are physical spark.) anthropologically, when one person (stranger, mild acquaintance, coworker) touches another they are dominating the other person. one way i do this is by screening people’s interest in sex before the date, or before i touch them. if somebody tries to “break the touch barrier” with me, without my invitation, on first meeting, they’re more likely to hit the sudden wrath barrier, which has in the past sent overly-touchy men backwards over appliances and down flights of stairs. just to reiterate what most people have said already: unsolicited touching, esp. – my shoulder is too close to my breasts for me to feel comfortable with a touch from a stranger. this is really ingrained in me because my best friend is deaf and that’s a guaranteed way to badly scare him (and yet so many people keep doing it argh) and when my hypervigilance is driving the bus, an unexpected touch on the shoulder means you’re scraping me off the ceiling. am i going to be fending off hands and ‘casual’ touches all night? there are many different ways to break the touch barrier, so in case you've ever found yourself wondering how to initiate skin contact, we've put together a list of some of the best approaches to help you do just that. i got up to go to the bathroom and as he got up so i could pass him he very lightly and naturally touched the side of my hip. i’m sure there do exist some people in the world who can pull off casual shoulder touching or arm touching or something, but any time anyone’s done it to me it has seemed weird and forced and *super* awkward, which is a world away from the suave look you seem to be going for..) using the exact phrase “break/ing the touch barrier” with reference to “creating intimacy” on a first date or first meeting with a potential date-friend. thing is, i am a very touchy-feely, cuddly, kissy person…with the people whom i am ok touching. i’ve had many experiences with times someone touched me in a way i felt was too familiar, and i felt awkward pointing it out because i liked them as a person but didn’t feel a corresponding level of closeness., agree with everyone above to nix the unasked-for test-touches, especially a full-body test touch like a hug! also, if someone really likes you, them having to wait a day or two before they touch you is only going to build fun suspense, it’s not like it will turn them off ;). by trying to start the physical contact off right at the beginning before you’ve had a chance to get to know each other at all, you’re not giving the message that “i think that you, [insert name here], are awesome, and i hope that this date works out well for us” you’re giving the message of “you’re a woman and i’m hoping to spend more time touching a woman. touching *is* an indicator that someone likes you, but it’s not something you should go for immediately, on the first date. it gives off the vibe that you think what you’re doing might not be okay but you’ll do it anyway which even if touch would have been welcome translates to “i’ll do things i know aren’t okay and just hope being nervous negates any wrongdoing. to use the lw’s terminology, that “touch barrier” is there *for a reason*, and pushing right past it and effectively running over someone’s personal comfort zone will only reinforce that barrier. i’ve often used a light touch on the forearm as a way of showing someone i’m interested in them, but even that can come over too strong if it’s overused. touches on the back or shoulder from someone i don’t know can very often feel that way to me.’m not dating anymore, but let me also stand and be counted as a “ask me first/let me be the one to touch you first” person.” furthermore, all these calculated little hugs and shoulder taps are elliding the fact that every woman you date is different and has a different response to being touched, including some women who don’t want to be touched at all until they know you a little bit better. this day, *no one* but me touches my hair, and i even avoid getting it cut for as long as possible to avoid having someone else mess with it. also had a first date where the guy was constantly touching me or trying to hold my hand. *if i want you to touch me, or am okay with that, you will know. works for me since i’m weird about initiating touch: if you’re weird about it, don’t force it. on the first dates that i* have been on with men, even when i’m quite into them, i tend to be restrained with touch at first in case they get the wrong idea (i. practice saying “i don’t want to be touched,” “keep your hands to yourself”–whatever feels best to you. being “smooth” at them won’t help because they are also inside their own heads like, “did he just touch me? being flirty-touchy is awesome when you *already* have chemistry, but when you haven’t yet established chemistry and/or a base level of trust it is just uncomfortable. it was our third date (lw, there was no touching on the first, until the very end when i had to run for a bus and he offered me a hug, which i accepted and which was necessarily quick and kind of awkward. i told him it made me uncomfortable and he continued to touch and then i told him again he basically called me a prude. you are a touchy feely person maybe feel the other person out in a chat or upon meeting be all i am a really touchy feely person can i give you a hug if they are anything less than super enthusiastic just be all well maybe another time i do not want you to be uncomfortable because i like my consent enthusiastic or whatever it is a big plus for me if date isnt pushy with affection. nerdlove is talking so much about touching someone on a first date to build intimacy out of nowhere, but rather about how to show your genuine affection later on, when you are sure you know and like each other. i think you’re saying that the lw should wait and let her initiate physical touch which if that’s what you mean then okay, that’s at least a rule. yeah, i’m joining the chorus of people saying do not lead with a hug, do not tap people on the shoulder (except to say ‘excuse me, you dropped this’), do not try to ‘break the intimacy barrier’. are other things the brain has to learn, or not, during childhood, that are much harder to learn as adults: interpreting touch as pleasurable.
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